a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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