just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
