I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
