made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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