I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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