my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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