I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Two words: blizzard sex
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
