I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
