My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I faked an abortion last night.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
