Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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