I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
