Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
