i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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