I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
