fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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