today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
