I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My feet surprised me
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
