I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
