Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
is that a dick in a sweater?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
