I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
do nipples grow back?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
