Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We are two peas in an std pod
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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