I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
