How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
