when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
