I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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