life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
