Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
