She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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