yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
