I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
