he thought i was a dude.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
