Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
