She is in my trunk
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
