I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
