he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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