THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
