Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
