that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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