peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
its not stalking. its research.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
