where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
