thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
