She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
