All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
