i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
