I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
