nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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