Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
