My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
