How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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