he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
