Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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